Resonant Constellation

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Back at the battle, Diomedes ran forward to intercept Aeneas with the sharp end of his sword, but Apollo got there first. Not caring about this minor inconvenience, Diomedes went after Apollo with gusto, striking out three times with great might. Apollo turned his spear with a great shield, and on the fourth strike, Apollo yelled at DIomedes: “Dude, quit it! I’m a God, alright? You’re not getting anywhere.”

Diomedes, angry though he was, gave way, and looked around for more Trojans to kill. Apollo took Aeneas to Pergamus and his own temple. Healers attended Aeneas and dressed him in nice clothes. Meanwhile, Greeks and Trojans were hacking at each other with every possible implement. Apollo said to Ares “Ares, my good man, can you take care of this Diomedes problem? I want you to stomp his ass straight into the ground, flat as a gyro.”

Apollo then sat to watch as Ares suited up for battle and cheered the Trojans on. “Come on, Trojans!” he yelled, “Let’s beat those Greeks!” Ares was a good fighter, but not the greatest orator.

Still, the Trojans took heart, and Sarpedon rebuked Hector for his cowardice: “Hector, my good man, you keep telling us that you could take on all the Greeks with both eyes closed and three hands tied behind your back, but I haven’t seen you do shit yet. What gives?

Hector grimaced, for Sarpedon was right. He grabbed two spears and jumped down off of his chariot, going to his men and raising their spirits with great, incoherent yells of rage. The Trojans rallied, but the Greeks stood their ground solidly and great clouds of dust were thrown up in the battle. Ares covered the Trojans in a heavenly darkness to protect them from the charge of the Greek chariots. Apollo sent Aeneas back into the battle, and his comrades just about shit bricks when they saw he was still alive.

Ajax, other Ajax, Odysseus, and Diomedes joined each other in a vicious battle cry, and they stood as firm against the Trojan advance as an immovable force rooted to the ground. Agamemnon went among the troops, encouraging as he went: “Come on, Greeks! It’s time to kick ass and take names!”

Agamemnon threw his mighty spear and it went right the fuck through Deicoon’s shield, armor, body, armor again, and into the ground as if the man were a sheet of paper.

Aeneas, being pissed at this, decided to do some spearing of his own, and managed to kill Crethon and Orsilochus, who were apparently descended from a river (although nobody believed their bullshit story). No matter who their wattery grandfather was, they died pretty quick.

Menelaus, having known these two, grew angry and charged at Aeneas, spear at the ready. Antilochus, the son of Nestor, saw this and fearing that Menelaus would have his ass handed to him by Aeneas, went alongside the great king. Aeneas was fine taking out two minor river-spawned dudes, but in the face of sheer badassery of this magnitude, he thought it wiser to retreat. He did, after all, have those awesome plans for building a city and he didn’t want them to go to waste. Menelaus and Antilochus took back the bodies of their comrades, then rejoined the fighting.

First, Menelaus killed Pylaemenes by smiting his collarbone mightily. Antilochus picked up a stone and hurled it at Pylaemenes’ charioteer, Mydon. The stone struck his elbow, and he dropped the reins, whereupon Antilochus sworded him good in the temples. He fell straight off the chariot and into the sandy ground, where he stuck, head buried and legs standing upright like some weird statue until the horses trampled him flat.

Hector, seeing this, gave a great battle-cry and ran across the battlefield at the two heroes to give them the gift of a few spears. His intent was not friendly. Ares and his helpers ran alongside him.

Diomedes, having not killed anybody in at least thirty seconds, saw this out of the corner of his entrail and blood-encrusted eyes, and for once he just about shat himself in fear. “Dudes, how do we ever get anything done? Hector always has some God helping him. Probably Ares, that bastard.” He was ignoring, of course, that Athena was helping him. “I think it’s time for a strategic rearwards advancing maneuver.”

Hector then sliced the heads off of two guys in one single chariot as they rode past. It was pretty badass, but Ajax pitied the victims, and so he killed one Trojan with his spear. As he was running forward to steal the man’s armor, the Trojans made it rain spears down upon his shield. Ajax retrieved his spear, but couldn’t get the armor, so he also retreated.

And so the battle raged. Tlepolemus, one of the sons of Hercules, stepped forward to challenge Sarpedon. Oddly enough, Sarpedon was his uncle, since he was the son of Zeus, and therefore one of the brothers of Hercules. “You ain’t no son of Zeus!” cried Tlepolemus, “My dad was way more badass than you. He already kicked the Trojans’ asses, and he only had six ships. I am going to kill you, and then I will kill your friends, and I’ll stick your heads on a huge pike like a giant kebab.”

“Bullshit, Tlepolemus,” cried Sarpedon, “That was a special case, that one time. I am going to crush you like a fucking bug anyway, so quit your talking.”

They threw their spears at the same moment, like they were in a synchronized spear-throwing team. Unfortunately this time, it was more like a synchronized spear-throwing meet that had gone horribly awry, and they speared each-other. Sarpedon’s spear went straight through Tlepolemus’ throat, and his blood gushed out all over the ground, as if he was a hot pocket that had been in the microwave for ten times longer than the box calls for. Meanwhile, Tlepolemus’ spear went straight through Sarpedon’s leg and scraped along his bone, but did not kill him.

Sarpedon’s comrades carried him out of the fighting, the spear still in his leg, as if he was some giant inverse porcupine. The Greeks carried off Tlepolemus, who was their own inverted quilled rodent. Odysseus was sad at the sight of this, mostly because he hadn’t been spearing guys all day, but just watching. He then booted up and started the slaughtering straightaway. He killed many guys, including:
Coeranus
Alastor
Chromius
Alcandrus
Halius
Noemon
Prytanis.
He would have kept mowing down the rank and file, but Hector saw him and sped over like a rabbit hopped up on speed. Sarpedon, who was being carried away past Hector, gave the great champion a thumbs up while he sped by, but Hector didn’t notice.

Hector killed a shit-ton of Greeks then. Sarpedon was laid beneath an oak tree, and the spear was removed. He uttered a high girlish scream and fainted. When he came to he felt the wind blowing gently across the plain and he felt stronger.

The Greeks neither gave ground nor took it, being afraid of Ares, but Hector and Ares killed about six metric craptons of Greeks, including:
Teuthras
Orestes
Trechus
Oenomaus
Helenus
Oresbius
Who were all pretty awesome dudes. Still, they weren’t awesome enough to avoid death.

Hera saw this, and spoke to Athena: “Damnit, our Greeks are dropping like flies. Let’s go give ‘em a hand.”

Hera then got her chariot ready, and it was a pimped-out chariot. It had golden wheels with crazy spinners and a sick-ass sound system with subwoofers so huge they would shake mountains into gravel. It had badass flames painted on the sides, and had blue neon under-lighting and an absolutely ill body kit. Each of the horses had giant tailpipes coming out of either side, and when Hera cracked her whip, flames shot out of them. Hera took hold of the reins in her left hand and struck a pimpin’ pose, and nodded her head to the beat as they scorched through the sky from Olympus.

Meanwhile, Athena put on her ass-kickin’ garb and got into her own chariot which was almost as badass as Hera’s. She grabbed a spear as they were flying out of the gates of Olympus. They saw Zeus then, sitting on top of Olympus, lost in thought. “Zeus, dude, what the hell? Aren’t you pissed that Ares is fucking with the war?”

“Whatever,” said Zeus, “Let Athena kick his ass, she’s pretty good at that.”

Hera shrugged and they flew on, screaming across the sky like a pair of horse-driven fighter jets. They parked the horses near Troy and went to the thickest part of the battle, right next to Diomedes. “Greeks,” cried Hera, “I think it’s high time that you fuck these Trojans straight the fuck up.”

The Greeks took heart. Athena went to Diomedes, who was cleaning off his wound because the salt from his sweat was stinging it. “Get off your ass, Diomedes, your dad was never this lazy,” she said.

Diomedes was puzzled: “The fuck, Athena? You told me not to attack any Gods except Aphrodite, so when Ares came around I got out of the way.”

“No worries, Diomedes,” said Athena, “It’s time to kick some immortal God of War ass.”

Then she took Sthenelus from the chariot and stepped up in his place with Diomedes. Athena took the reins and drove straight at Ares who was busy stealing the armor of Periphas whom he had killed. Ares threw a spear at them, but Athena deflected it. Diomedes’ spear, however, hit Ares straight in the stomach. When he pulled it out, Ares’ yell of pain was as loud as both of the armies combined.

Ares then shot up into the sky, as if he had a rocket up his ass, and went straight to Zeus on Olympus, whimpering and pointing at his wound. “Wwwwaaaaaah!” he wailed, “Daddy! That bad man he make me spear, he hit me, make boo-boo! Waaaaah! And, and, and, Athena and Hera, they were there, and they laughed and it’s all their fault!”

“Oh, shut up, you big baby,” said Zeus. “You are my least favorite, you know that? I like you even less than Hephaestus, and I threw him off a fucking mountain.” Zeus sighed, then told Paeeon to heal Ares. When he was done, Ares sat down to rest for a while.

Their work done, Hera and Athena left the battlefield behind, bumping all the way back to Olympus is their pimped-out chariots.

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