Resonant Constellation

BOOK V

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Update 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Athena then gave a most excellent power-up to Diomedes so that he was super strong and extra badass. Fire flew out of his shield and helmet and spread down his head and shoulders as he ran into the midst of the fight, arms whirling like a Cuisinart set on “super-shred.”

Editor’s Note: In this section, there are many awesome, gruesome, and badass kills. The Editor has taken it upon himself to rate each kill based on how much ass it kicks, so if you’re of the mind to skip a few of the boring or less important ones, the beginning of each kill section will have a rating out of 100 at the top of it.

Kill Rating: 95/100
There were two brothers, Phegeus and Idaeus, from Troy. They stupidly decided to engage Diomedes, and rode forward in their chariot. Phegeus’ spear flew wide of Diomedes, which alerted the fire-wreathed Greek to their presence. His spear throw was so powerful and accurate that it picked Phegeus up off the chariot and heaved him backwards about fifty feet where the spear point stuck in the ground like a huge lawn dart. Idaeus leaped down from his chariot and ran away, Hephaestus shielding him from attack. Diomedes took the chariot and horses as a prize. The Trojans were pretty scared by this, and Athena turned to Ares: “Dude, looks like they’ve all got this well-in-hand. Let’s go over there and watch.”

Kill Rating: 60/100
So they went to the banks of the river and watched the battle unfold. The Greeks advanced, killing a shit-ton of Trojans. Agamemnon punched Odius, captain of the Halzoni, straight off of his chariot, and managed to spear him good and proper while he was running away.

Kill Rating: 30/100
Idomeneus managed to hit Phaesus with a spear through the shoulder, and Phaesus fell dead.

Kill rating: 50/100
While Idomeneus’ men were stealing Phaesus’ armor, Menelaus killed Scamandrius, the favorite of Artemis. He was a good hunter and archer, but this day he found he was equally good at getting speared through the chest.

Kill Rating: 90/100
Meriones killed Phereclus, who made the ships that Paris had used to steal Helen. The spear went right through his ass and out the other side, spraying blood and other mysterious fluids on the ground.

Kill Rating: 90/100
Meges killed Pedaeus with a spear to the neck. It went all the way through and came out his mouth like a sharp, bronze tongue.

Kill Rating: 85/100
Eurypylus then killed Hypsenor, chasing him along the battle plain. As he caught up, he hacked one arm off, and the blood flew out in a huge, graceful arc, while the former owner of said blood fell over and bled out.

And so the battle continued. Diomedes flew back and forth like a tennis ball at Wimbeldon, and his arms hacked up Trojans like there was no tomorrow-limbs and heads and guts went flying every which way when he was around.

Pandarus, one of the many sons of Lycaon, saw this carnage and aimed an arrow at it’s source. It was a hit-a palpable hit-and Diomedes was halted in his slaughter, as if somebody had just yanked out the cord of a blender which, until then, had been going at full speed on a strawberry smoothie without a cover. Pandarus shouted to his comrades: “Trojans, to me! I just took out the best of the Greeks!”

But he was wrong-Diomedes was just angry now. He went to his friend Sthenelus and asked for help: “Dude, somebody shot me. Could you get the arrow out?”

Sthenelus pulled on the arrow, and out it sprang, followed by a stream of blood. Diomedes seemed unperturbed, though, and swore an oath: “If I can get within arm’s reach of the bastard who shot me, he will rue the day he was born. I’ll rip off his head with my bare hands and stuff it backwards down his neck! I’ll beat him to death with his own arms! I’ll rip off his jaw and chew him up with his own teeth! GRAAAAAH!”

When Athena heard this, she gave him yet another power-up and spoke courage into his mind: “You are such a badass, Diomedes that I’ve given you the power to see Gods, and when Aphrodite comes to save her friends you should spear the living crap out of her.”

Diomedes immediately sprang back into the thick of battle, three times more powerful than before. It was as if somebody had taken apart the Cuisinart, just for fun, and had somehow attached the driveshaft of a 500 horsepower V-8 engine to the blades while keeping the gas pedal firmly pressed to the ground. In front of Diomedes were Trojans, mostly screaming and running for their lives. Behind him were Trojan pieces, gently smoking and falling to the ground.

Here is a list of just some of the people he killed:
Astynous- spear to the chesticle region.
(Anonymous friend of Astynous)- sword-induced separation of neck from torso.
Abas- unknown, likely rapid and furious application of sharp edges to various portions of the anatomy.
Polyidus- unknown, possibly spear-related swiss-cheesery.
Xanthus- unknown, but perhaps complete, full-body bifurcation.
Thoon- unknown, but probably fine mincing, like with an onion.

Then he found two more sons of Priam, Echemmon and Chromius, riding in a chariot. With a mighty leap and a fearsome feral scream, Diomedes sprang into the chariot between the two. “Hello, boys,” he said, grinning insanely as he grasped their necks, then smashed their heads together like two hardboiled eggs between a concrete wall and a rocket sled traveling at twice the speed of sound. The report was as the sound of a thousand whips cracking at once. He discarded the corpses, then drove the chariot with their armor back to his buddies.

Aeneas saw this and ran to the archer Pandarus. “Man, are you watching this shit?” he asked, “Why don’t you arrow this asshole out of existence?”

“Aeneas, that is Diomedes, I know by his armor, and unless I miss my guess he is being aided by a God. I guess he could be a God too, come to think of it. Why else did my earlier shot not kill him?” said Pandarus. “I wish I had brought my chariots from home, then I could kill him good and dead. Now that I think about it, I’ve hit both Diomedes and Menelaus, and instead of killing them, I’ve just made them angry. Maybe I should just put the bow down, it seems to not be doing much good.”

“Fuck, man,” Aeneas said, “That is some heavy shit. Come on, you can use my chariot, and we’ll kill this asshat together.”

“Okay, buddy,” said Pandarus, “You drive, I’ll spear.”

They mounted the chariot and readied spears, charging full speed ahead at Diomedes. Sthenelus saw them charging down upon Diomedes and warned his friend: “Look out, Diomedes! Aeneas and Pandarus are about to ride your ass over! Get in my chariot, and we’ll high-tail it outta here!”

Diomedes looked angrily at him and answered: “Fuck that shit, man, I never run from battle. Who cares if they’re in a chariot, I’ll kill them anyway, just you watch. I’ll grab their chariot in one hand and smash their asses into the dirt with it. I’ll tear apart their horses like a bunch of roasted chicken! You just stand here and be ready when I hand over the spoils.”

While these two were talking, the others had gotten close, and Pandarus yelled to Diomedes: “Eat spear, motherfucker!”

The spear flew true, but hit the shield of Diomedes. It went straight through, but stopped at his armor. Pandarus, however thought it was a hit: “Ha ha! Suck on that, assbite!”

Diomedes replied in kind: “Wrong again, fuckface! Now I’m going to kill your ass so hard that you’ll be erased from time!”

Diomedes’ spear flew straight and true, guided by Athena straight to Pandarus’ eye socket. It went in and came out the other side effortlessly, and Pandarus fell to the ground dead.

Aeneas jumped from the chariot and protected the body fiercely from attack, growling like a lion in heat. Diomedes, not to be outdone, seized a boulder the size of a dumptruck with the ease of you or I picking up a pebble, and crushed Aeneas’ hip-bones. He would surely have died then and there, but Aphrodite was his mother and she rushed down from Olympus to save him, carrying him off the battlefield high in the sky.

Sthenelus then took the awesome horses and chariot of Aeneas back to the Greeks, then ran back to his own chariot to search for Diomedes.

Diomedes was, of course, charging after Aphrodite, spear aloft, waiting for the perfect moment to fire. When it came, he let fly with all his strength. The spear flew high and fast, and pierced her wrist, making the ichor of the Gods spurt out all over everything below. Aphrodite screamed and completely forgot about Aeneas, letting him fall to the ground. Diomedes’ parting shot was a taunt launched by his lungs: “How do you like them apples, bitch? Yeah, that’s right, run away! If I see you again, I’ll turn you into a Goddess-puree in two fucking seconds!”

So Aphrodite fled the battlefield, and Iris guided her to Ares, standing to the side of the battle, ready to take part. “Oh, man, bro!” she cried, “I need your help bad, could I borrow your horses to get to Olympus?”

Ares rolled his eyes, but handed over the reigns, and Aphrodite and Iris went to Olympus, looking for Dione. Finding her, Aphrodite wept and fell to her knees. “Aww, come here, ‘dite,” said Dione, “Who hurt you?”

Aphrodite replied through tears: “It was Diomedes, that doody-head. I was saving Aeneas, and he speared me in the arm!”

Dione rolled her eyes: “Whatever, you’re a Goddess, no big deal. Quit your whining. Ares suffers all the time, and he doesn’t complain. Same with Hera, she has to put up with Zeus. And if memory serves, Hades once got hit with and arrow, and he never complained. Athena is helping Diomedes out, of course. We’ll see if we can’t put an end to that.”

She cleaned the wound and magically healed the wound. Hera and Athena were watching and laughing behind their hands. They turned to Zeus to talk: “It looks like poor ‘dite got stuck by a pin. Maybe she was persuading the Greek women over to Troy and got stuck on one of their brooches.”

Zeus laughed his ass off and beckoned Aphrodite over. “Look, babe, you’re pretty and all, but you’re not a fighter. Go…stand over in the corner and look gorgeous. Ares and Athena can handle the war.”